textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
