I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
