Yo dont text me then not text me
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
