I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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