Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
