Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
