I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
