Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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