I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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