i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
