Do you still have your period?
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
