Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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