I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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