Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
