the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
