Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
