I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
