checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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