my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
