It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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