My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
