my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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