I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
