also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
