Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
