i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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