Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
