I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
