Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
