i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
