I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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