She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
