I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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