Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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