Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
