Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Randomize
