and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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