ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
