Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
