the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
