You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I can't turn off my feet"
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
