I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
