accomplished twins. life is a go
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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