Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
