there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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