U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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