Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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