so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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