Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
