I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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